Confessions of a Very Intelligent Woman

That’s me…

That’s me right after the meltdown…

but it was more then melting…there were flames!

(Now, I need to point something out here…I don’t think I have ever produced flames in the kitchen…so this would be a first…)

But here’s what happened….

It was time for lunch… (I thought I would be considerate and eat before I called Yvonne) and so I set out to make my traditional “there’s no left overs” lunch — rice. Rice isn’t hard, ya know? You put it in water and you let cook for 20 minutes (or until all the water is soaked up in the rice — which, hey! is about 20 minutes.) I’m good at this. I make rice ALL THE TIME!!!!! Sometimes I put alfredo sauce on it, sometimes butter, sometimes cheese…. (they say peanut butter is good, but I’ve not tried that).

The point being — this was not a new cooking experience here.

I put in one cup of rice and one cup of water (remember this point — very important) — I sit it on the back left burner and I flip the knob and I walk away. I know that I have 3 minutes before it’s time to go back, stir, turn down to simmer, and wait.

All of a sudden I hear this noise…it sounded like a thud and I thought “that stupid mouse is back” (yes, there is a mouse in the house too) but it wasn’t a thud…it was a WHOOSH….

I turn around and look into the kitchen and I just see smoke.

I walk in the kitchen and that’s when I see the flames. Had they been in someone else’s kitchen I would’ve said they were pretty — but in mine…they were downright scary…

So, I utter a few explicitives (and that bothers me because I’ve REALLY been working on my mouth….) I find a bowl in the sink and I douse the flames…

Guess who turned the wrong burner on? Guess where that empty juice pitcher was?

I grab the pitcher handle and that’s when I realize (because my head feels a little hot) that the pitcher is still on fire…so I throw that in the sink and put it out…

Then I survey the damage…

Open the door, turn on the fan…everyone is okay…just feeling a little on the stupid side…

because…

guess who melted the OTHER pitcher we own last night while making dinner? (But it was just because the pitcher was sitting too close to the edge of the skillet)

we’re good to go…i turn the right burner on…and totally forget that i did that…so i come out and i’ve boiled all the water away (and i didn’t put enough in to begin with) and it’s just horrible…

I gave up…

today was not a good kitchen day…

…but I DO know how to make pretty flames on my stove…

Until next time…

Heather

Many felt that this story should have been included a month or so ago, however, I didn’t see the humor value in it at the time. To be honest, I’m still not seeing the humor value, but others are, so I’ll share.

When I meet new people (men in general) I try to be very honest about my shortfalls. I felt this only fair as I *am* a little off the beaten path. Included in these shortfalls were two of the most important: (a) I’m an accident waiting to happen and (b) I’m a disaster in the kitchen. Many fail to believe me.

Last night, I was grating mozzarella cheese. Yes, I realize that I can buy it already grated, and that was a suggestion while at the store, but I could save 20 cents if I grate it myself. I don’t know if my mind was elsewhere, or if I’m just retarded (perhaps it was a combination of both) but just as I was finishing up I felt this excruciating pain in my thumb. I looked down and there was blood.

“Damn it!” I screamed. No one asked what was wrong. This bothered me slightly, but I was in the kitchen and they are used to a stream of explicatives coming from that general direction when I’m in there. I walked out to the office with a paper towel wrapped around my thumb and that’s when my friend said something to me…”Did you cut yourself?”

“No,” I replied and then continued, “I grated myself.”

“Again?” he asked. I nodded.

“No more. This is the second time that you’ve done that. The last one just healed. I’ll grate the cheese from now on.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you get out of food preparation! (I’m just kidding — I wasn’t trying to get out of it.)

But at least now people know that I am telling the truth.

Who, other than Heather Jacobson, grates their own thumb….twice?